44 WEEKS PREGNANT
The Journey of Me & Nokomis Moon
Three years ago today I was 44 weeks pregnant...yeah, I know...EPIC!!! Each hour today I was reflecting on the last day pregnant, I remember it so clearly and will probably always reflect on this day as it was the highest mountain I ever had to climb. This year the anger arose and I had to write about it! The truth is no one can help you Birth your baby, no matter how many people are in the room, whether you are at home or in the hospital. Most women don’t have this realization until they are in labor. I, however, experienced this while I was still pregnant. My first pregnancy went 42+ weeks and I had to write a letter releasing the midwife from responsibility and that was fucking scary considering it was my first baby. Why did I have to go into labor with that hanging over my head? With the second pregnancy I knew I just needed to protect myself and stay in my house if I went late again, avoiding any opinions and comments because everyone has them.
The moment I hit 43 weeks it got hard, once again I was in unchartered territory. The whole pregnancy I felt close to a grandmother(moms mom) I never knew, she would come to me often. She had 12 children herself, some at home, all of them natural. I prayed to her for strength at the end and I continued to feel reassured even though my mind was struggling with being pregnant that long. Noko’s (my daughter) name means grandmother! Every morning I’d check in with the baby and each time she’d give me a kick or move to let me know all was well and she was very clear one day when I was feeling overwhelmed and I heard “I’m not ready.” I continued to trust even though it was so so hard because let’s face it, most women are done with being pregnant at about 36 weeks, just over it. Can you imagine 2 more months?????? There was no one to talk to and relate because I was the only woman I knew that was pregnant that long.
At 6pm I felt some contractions but I had been feeling them for weeks, and decided to go into the bath tub. After my son was asleep Labor came on strong around 9pm. I clearly was waiting for him to be asleep. I posted on IG from the tub saying that just as the veil was thinning so was my cervix. Just after midnight Noko Moon came rushing in, all 6lbs of her into my hands, not one push, she basically flew out😆.
Why do we not support women in birth, why is it usually a mess that is left to clean up by the mother. Why do we make women feel like they are doing something wrong because they are listening to their gut and what they intuitively know how to do. Why do we force inducing women at 10 days past their due date? If we don’t allow pregnancies to go the course how can we say that 40 weeks is normal. My thoughts are if we let them go to the end the new normal would be more like 42 weeks. Why is it different in different countries, like why is 43 weeks the cut off in France? Why are we measuring the most unmeasurable and unpredictable thing on the planet! I was pissed that I had to write that letter the first time around but it was a great lesson in understanding that when it comes down to it, the Mother is ALONE in birth, that’s the truth!!! Do we want the doctor or the midwife there so we can project the responsibility onto them? It’s all an illusion, we are ALONE in birth and the sooner we own that the more we will trust ourselves! Yes, it was scary when I had that realization, I still wanted to think that whoever was attending my births was actually gonna help in some way. Yes, they can hold your hand and hold space and be there for you after but that’s about it. It’s the same with death, no one can really help you die, it’s a solo journey.
It pisses me off how lonely pregnancy and birth and post partum are for women. How do we heal this? How do we protect and support women while they are crossing this deep and life changing threshold? I’m angry that I am even asking these questions considering there would be no world without women birthing!!! Why is fear used instead of love? My prayer is that we get there soon and that is why I share my story!
I am grateful to have been able to draw strength from my grandmother who would take a bath and set her hair right before she gave birth. That’s how the family knew she was in labor. She refused all doctor visits let alone fucking vaginal exams!!! My mom said the family doctor used to come knocking on the door when she was pregnant to check on her. This woman was 16 when she had her first baby at home. No one told her how to do it! The ancestors are always with us and it is so important that we remember and honor them and the paths they’ve paved and also heal the family wounds. Ironically just last week Noko told both me and my mom that my mom used to live in her belly😳. Could she be??????? Blessed Samhain, May you feel your ancestors and honor them today and all days🙏🏼 I am so grateful for my little Samhain Angel!